Wow.. So i was thinking of the post I made today and it kind of hit me.. well it actually hit me when someone had asked me were two myspace photos were taken and i said "King of Prussia Mall" 2 years ago and "Westgate Hotel in SD a year or so ago".. but it hit harder when i made that last post..
I've been out in San Diego for one and half years. I mean like, thats a flipping long time. I have not seen most of my friends in a year (came home last Hune) and most in a full year and a half. It just feels weird. Like that time really did just fly by. Im going to be 27 years OLD real soon.. i was watching some music station (those that dont play the videos, just show clips and give info on bad at bottem) and it was talking about 311 and this Cd came out in 99.. and im like.. FUCK.. that was 8 years ago.. my god..
*shrugs* This is not some depressing post (well some aspects make me depressed) but more of a WTF!!! kind of post. It just feels weird i guess. Not seeing people i love for so long. I mean i know a lot of people did not that with college and all.. and people like Steph Bennet have to be like.. holy crap.. i went to Pitt, then Vermont, now Seattle.. and i basiclly have only been home like 2 times a year for the last 8 years..
I guess im just realizing that after 1.5 years.. this is becoming real. All the previous stuff stands were it is depressing with how little i feel i got done BUT.. its more on the.. this may be were my life lands me.. it may just be were i am for a few more months.. i dont know. I just cant sleep right now and this is going through my head.... *shrugs*
So, it has now been 1.5 years since I moved out here to sunny SD. I left behind all my friends, a huge support system and everything I knew. I would love to say everything rocks and is going peachy... but then, would it be my life? :)
So I had a few rocks of stability set up for me when I moved out here. Namely I would be starting school, had a wonderful boyfriend and would soon make as many friends as I have back home.
So things don't always work out that way, and now i guess i get to build myself up from 'nothing'.
In the past few weeks (4-5) i have had a few blows to my situations: -Lost my job -Lost all insurance (just as i was sheduled for major dental work) -Found out school is NOT happening till at least 2008 (now this is my fault, but sucks non the less) -I was broken up with
So now I sit here single, jobless, no prospect for school for over a year, few to no friends, heavier then i was when i moved here, depressed, and very very lonley and very very in debt.
For the past 4 weeks these few things have really been weighing on me. Hence my last post. And i still very much wanna scream ALL the time... but im doing something about it now. I mean i always told the people i talk to about all this that it would all be ok and i always land on my feet in the long run... but i realized i need to do something about it. Time deadens pain.. unless i do something it wont change though.
So now i have a new journey in front of me. I no longer have Sean to rely on. Now don't get me wrong.. we are still friends and he is a wonderful guy, but after 2 years.. you can't be there like you were as a bf. It is just too weird (for now at least).. So i look around me and see were i have to go.
Friends- Always one of the most important things to me. They are my life. But i have been out of contact with far to many people back home, so i hope to chnage that. As for here... well i need to look at the 'friends' i've had over the past year and a half and see which are worth the effort and which are still my friends after the breakup. After that i have two core groups. The first are my poker buddies. Good group who i enjoy hanging out with, like me, laugh with me, get smashed with me.. i just don't open up a lot to them... but that has changed alot in the past month... and i hope it continues. Then there is Mike. He is a douchebag, but i love him for it. We had a great instant connection, but now have to all those late night boring (though i always love these with people) conversations getting to know each other. His BF will be here in 3 weeks time and i think ill be hanging with them a lot. Beyond that, ill see what remains from the rest and make some more. It is simply a differant enviornment to make friends here and what i saw as being ditched or ignored was far from it. So i missed some great oppertunites, and now i knew better.
Work- *shrugs* Im guessing Unemployeement for July and then 2 jobs come August/September. I need some time to breath and just get by for now. I need to work in my field, so i think ill volunteer at a crisis center for now. See what happens.
School- Have a plan, and some friends who will help me. I just need to get on this and make it A #1 priority. i'll be applying for Sd and Philly. Come Aprilish when i get my choices, ill see where i live.
Insurance- Hmm.. well yah.. that sucks. but i may have a way to work it a little. I have some dental work that is needed asap.
Weight- Not to hard. I have a lot of free time. I need to stop feeling sorry for myself and just work out. I have a bunch of classes at LA fitness i can go to and take things like Yoga and Pilaties to get some basic stuff and then use LA fitness or my apartments gym for the weights and cardio etc.. Ill be lean and sexxy again in no time :) Im just sick of being discusted with who i see in teh mirror. Don't get me wrong, ill probally never love it.. but knowing im doing all i can to make it chnages my perception soooo freakin much.
Love life- Well thats a hard one. Of course i always go for the ones i cant have. So i think i need to focus on me being more comfortable with who i am and what i want. Then ill be ok with moving on in terms of sex, love and relationships. Till then ill try and play it cool (most likey getting drunk and hooking up with someone at a bar or party :) )
So, i guess im just finding out many friends back home don't know some of this stuff happened. Im not OUT on myspace (sad i know.. hope to chnage that when i come home end of summer or september) so this is the best way to tell many of my friends the stuff going on in my life right now.
Again im sorry to those who have tried to contact me and i've just been a shit. I will seriouslly work getting back to people. Its been a 1.5 years, but Philly will always be my HOME and you all will always be my friends.
Ok.. So i am so EMO right now.... I don't mean that in any cute way what so ever. Its been over two weeks and it just wont stop. I wanna scream.. a lot. I know time will heal and ill be fine.. just right now im someone i have not been in many years.. and it sucks.. ohh the suckage doth.. well.. suck. When hugging my body pillow and talking to it gets me to sleep i know im F*&ed right now.. *breaths* i just.. AHHH!!.. yah that too..
Some day i swear i will post more consistently.. and someday i will post when its now how horrible i feel. Till that day....
MAKE IT FREAKING STOP!!!! MAKE ME FEEL OK!!!! MAKE ME NOT WANT TO DO STUPID ASS SHIT!!! MAKE ME A LITTLE LESS BROKEN!!!
Ok.. I realized that many people do not use My Space. So it shoudl probally be posted here too...
I bought my tickets home, and ill be there from the 15th to the 25th of June. I do have some things already planned (familly obligations) but i would love to see all my friends.I want try and play it a little by ear in terms of what im doing each day so i dont overbook or miss someone etc..
Yep.. After 6 Years.. 6 freakin years the small metal band around my wrist that Grace gave me on the Senior Week (that was suppose to break after two weeks) has finally broken... i never took it off in all that time.. so it actually really sucks. now my wrist feels naked.. the first was broken by in my basement one random day.. and now this was broken in my new bed :(
*sighs*
I know it means little, and im almost half making this post as a joke... but blah.. it is 6 years now.
┣List 10 things you want to say to people but know you never will. ┣Don't say who they are. ┣Disable comments. ┗Never discuss it again.
So I decided to do this. The ten will only be people on my friends list.
1- You told a "half-truth" to our friends that could have ruined me, and hurt very badley. I never addressed it, but I to this day consider you one of my closest friends.
2- The only thing i feel for you anymore is pity really. You are the root of all your problems anymore. Grow a pair and do something about them so i don't have to hear about them anymore.
3- You have problems. You are not as flawless as you believe and if you just admitted it no one would care about those problems... because we all have them.
4- You think we are so alike, but i could not disagree more... or maybe i just hope we are nothing alike.
5- People don't always realise the life you had to lead. Though i can't comprehend it, i sympathise with you, and see you for the beuatiful person you are.
6- So many times i was worried about you. I always liked you and i believe you knew that. But though i know you are problly still going through alot, i really think thinsg will work out... im very proud of you.
7- I picked the right corner. I hope you know how unbelievablly glad i am to chare it with you.
8- Whenever you "open up" to me i feel it is so fake, maybe for my own protection. Then when you REALLY open up it feels so overblwon that i cant do a single thing to help. I wish there was a middle ground were you felt safe.
9- Stop it.. just f-ing stop it. Stop worring about everyone else and pay attention to yourself. You deserve a lot in life and ignoring yourself does not make you a great person, and it will not make it go away.
So i started reading this paragraph and was like 2 lines into it before i even realized anything was wrong with it... but i read it the speed i read anything else.. so i found this very interesting. You will understand when you read below.
i cdnuolt blveiee taht I cluod aulaclty uesdnatnrd waht I was rdanieg. The phaonmneal pweor of the hmuan mnid, aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it dseno't mtaetr in waht oerdr the ltteres in a wrod are, the olny iproamtnt tihng is taht the frsit and lsat ltteer be in the rghit pclae.the rset can be a taotl mses and you can sitll raed it whotuit a pboerlm. Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe. Azanmig huh? yaeh and I awlyas tghuhot slpeling was ipmorantt!
Im in San Deigo now... Monday will be 2 weeks actually. By then i will hopefully have a full post up with all my thoughts, how it went, how it is going and pictures...
I dont know how to do the pictures though, so one of you monkies will need to tell me... assume i know nothing about computers so skip no steps (i do know a lot, but i brain fart often)
So this is just the fact based post... maybe ill actually place my thoughst on leaving, travel and getting there later.
It was great to see most everyone at New Years or around then, if i did not.. i still love you.
CONTACT INFO- Mail- Derek Kemble 4424 44th Street APT 114 San Diego, CA 92115
Phone-(610)357-3508 (hopefully will keep this and be local to get and give calls to home) E-Mail- Losambra@hotmail.com --- Best way to e-mail me, though my others are checked. AIM- Losambra (same for 10 years) Carrier Pigeon- Peggy Sue always liked me best Smoke Signals- Looking at you for this one Matt Holographic Message- Kyle give Kathy the specs from Star Wars
It started with being my first day off in over two weeks and it was going to be spent at the 2005 Wizard World Philadelphia Comic Book Convention. Now to me THIS ROCKS... im a dork.
Well, it started off kinda annoying as my ride was about 2 hours late.. this is why i like to have control and be the one driving. When we got there it was ok. Nothing to special. Got to meet a lot of friends of my friend which was great (and met more as night went on.)
The only thing i really was gonna do at this con was go to the DC "what is coming up" panel. I normally hate spoilers, but they were doing a drawing for getting to see Batman Begins 10 freakin days early (kind of a world premire). Before the panel we all went to the DC booth and met one of my friends, friends who works at DC. He gave us each wrist bands and said that he had no idea what colour was to be called (and winked) and then said you might as well take blue (and winked again). Guess what.. BLUE WON...
I FUCKING SAW BATMAN BEGINS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (on IMAX)
I refuse to spoil this for anyone... so.. GO SEE IT!!!!!!!
Everyone was perfect, the movie was great... i cant find a flaw.. on par with if not better then Batman 1.
After that we all went to a club. I drank A LOT.. but something happened that never happened to me before.. i woke up today.. and i dont remember anything. There is a point in the night and then blank. I have now been told of my MANY antics (that pissed off my friend in many situations).. but i completly don't remember a single one. We now are starting to think that this troll that was eyeing me all night slipped something into the drink he bought me. I have drank MUCH more then that before and had NO memory loss ever. As soon as people mention something i did it floods back.. but none of this is clicking. Also according to my friend i was acting very uncharacteristic for me. Kind of a freaky experiance now.. im more worried that i offended or pissed off people with the things i did.
M- Sorry for bumping into you so many times A- Sorry for grinding with you so hardcore on the dance floor S- Sorry for licking your arm to get your stamp (and A for that too) Ant- Sorry for slamming your trunk Sean- Umm.. yah.. for about 90 things i did.. though i think it is pretty funny.. :)
So i got to meet a crap load of really cool people, saw BATMAN BEGINS, had a great time.. and was drugged... YAH BABY!!.. great night overall though..... but at least SOMEONE at the bar showed interest in me :)
1. Reply with your name and I will write something about you. 2. I will then tell what song/movie remind me of you. 3. If I were to wrestle with you in a vat of jello, the flavor would be.... 4. I will say something that only makes sense to you and me. 5. I will tell you my first memory of you. 6. I will tell you what animal you remind me of. 7. I'll then tell you something that I've always wondered about you. 8. Put this in your journal, or else!
People think of many things when graduation rolls around. Some think of accomplishment, leaving the past behind, moving on to new things, relaxation, fear of the real world, lives next challenge... Me? I think of the 3 issue graphic novel of the Teen Titans and Young Justice (R.I.P Lilith and Donna).. Yes im that dork.
Well, I just graduated today. It was an interesting day I guess. I was really late and just got my cap and gown on in time to walk out. Had my dad run me a hotdog and walked down the field with it hanging out of my mouth as I put on all my stuff (txting on a cell phone the whole time). Many people found this to be beyond amusing. Then as the event started, so did the beach balls. The wind made them not last too long, and as they went away from the group some ass-monkey with a shaved head was chasing the kids trying to get them. As one went over my head I started jumping over the chairs to get to it, but to no avail.. His lack of hair made him more aerodynamic.
We were going to have Mya Angelu (sp?) as our speaker, but another college paid her more. Instead we got a guy who just talked about what it means to be an American.. how much Bush sucks, how the war sucks, how racism sucked. He talked so much about racism that even the BSU (Black Student Union) students were getting annoyed at him. All in all he sucked.
Well it came time to walk and I was the dead last person and they almost did not announce my honours. DAMN THEM..
Well, now I sit here realizing I have not graduated just yet. I may have walked and gotten a fake diploma.. but I still have to finish my internship work and a paper for a class before im officially a graduate. This sucks. I should be partying this weekend, but I can’t. My own fault. But I will soon be done with these papers and then I can work on the inevitable failure of applying to graduate school.
I shall update again when i feel i have opffically graduated. This means the work is doen and i have nothing left of my undergraduate education.
So you have been with me for as long as i can remember. At first you were just normal and everything was fine. Then you were almost a something to be proud of. You ended up developing into something kinda sad. The most recent i can remember you was as a contant source of pressure.. well now your gone.. your out of my life.. even if i wanted you back (which i dont) i could not and i know that.. i will miss you, but i think it was for the best and i think a large weight has been lifted off my shoulders, maybe i can have some more fun.. or not feel you over my shoulder at every waking hour.. good luck in whatever it you do now.. but as of Saturday the 5th of March you are no longer in my life...
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crazy
uncomfortable
anxious
determined
bouncy