The Soap Box

It sounds stupid.. but i realized...

Tue, 26 Jun 2007 09:53:39 GMT

Wow.. So i was thinking of the post I made today and it kind of hit me.. well it actually hit me when someone had asked me were two myspace photos were taken and i said "King of Prussia Mall" 2 years ago and "Westgate Hotel in SD a year or so ago".. but it hit harder when i made that last post..

I've been out in San Diego for one and half years. I mean like, thats a flipping long time. I have not seen most of my friends in a year (came home last Hune) and most in a full year and a half. It just feels weird. Like that time really did just fly by. Im going to be 27 years OLD real soon.. i was watching some music station (those that dont play the videos, just show clips and give info on bad at bottem) and it was talking about 311 and this Cd came out in 99.. and im like.. FUCK.. that was 8 years ago.. my god..

*shrugs* This is not some depressing post (well some aspects make me depressed) but more of a WTF!!! kind of post. It just feels weird i guess. Not seeing people i love for so long. I mean i know a lot of people did not that with college and all.. and people like Steph Bennet have to be like.. holy crap.. i went to Pitt, then Vermont, now Seattle.. and i basiclly have only been home like 2 times a year for the last 8 years..

I guess im just realizing that after 1.5 years.. this is becoming real. All the previous stuff stands were it is depressing with how little i feel i got done BUT.. its more on the.. this may be were my life lands me.. it may just be were i am for a few more months.. i dont know. I just cant sleep right now and this is going through my head.... *shrugs*

Now lets see if i can wake up for Yoga tomarrow

I guess an update would be nice...

Tue, 26 Jun 2007 02:46:52 GMT

So, it has now been 1.5 years since I moved out here to sunny SD. I left behind all my friends, a huge support system and everything I knew. I would love to say everything rocks and is going peachy... but then, would it be my life? :)

So I had a few rocks of stability set up for me when I moved out here. Namely I would be starting school, had a wonderful boyfriend and would soon make as many friends as I have back home.

So things don't always work out that way, and now i guess i get to build myself up from 'nothing'.

In the past few weeks (4-5) i have had a few blows to my situations:
-Lost my job
-Lost all insurance (just as i was sheduled for major dental work)
-Found out school is NOT happening till at least 2008 (now this is my fault, but sucks non the less)
-I was broken up with

So now I sit here single, jobless, no prospect for school for over a year, few to no friends, heavier then i was when i moved here, depressed, and very very lonley and very very in debt.

For the past 4 weeks these few things have really been weighing on me. Hence my last post. And i still very much wanna scream ALL the time... but im doing something about it now. I mean i always told the people i talk to about all this that it would all be ok and i always land on my feet in the long run... but i realized i need to do something about it. Time deadens pain.. unless i do something it wont change though.

So now i have a new journey in front of me. I no longer have Sean to rely on. Now don't get me wrong.. we are still friends and he is a wonderful guy, but after 2 years.. you can't be there like you were as a bf. It is just too weird (for now at least).. So i look around me and see were i have to go.

Friends- Always one of the most important things to me. They are my life. But i have been out of contact with far to many people back home, so i hope to chnage that. As for here... well i need to look at the 'friends' i've had over the past year and a half and see which are worth the effort and which are still my friends after the breakup. After that i have two core groups. The first are my poker buddies. Good group who i enjoy hanging out with, like me, laugh with me, get smashed with me.. i just don't open up a lot to them... but that has changed alot in the past month... and i hope it continues. Then there is Mike. He is a douchebag, but i love him for it. We had a great instant connection, but now have to all those late night boring (though i always love these with people) conversations getting to know each other. His BF will be here in 3 weeks time and i think ill be hanging with them a lot. Beyond that, ill see what remains from the rest and make some more. It is simply a differant enviornment to make friends here and what i saw as being ditched or ignored was far from it. So i missed some great oppertunites, and now i knew better.

Work- *shrugs* Im guessing Unemployeement for July and then 2 jobs come August/September. I need some time to breath and just get by for now. I need to work in my field, so i think ill volunteer at a crisis center for now. See what happens.

School- Have a plan, and some friends who will help me. I just need to get on this and make it A #1 priority. i'll be applying for Sd and Philly. Come Aprilish when i get my choices, ill see where i live.

Insurance- Hmm.. well yah.. that sucks. but i may have a way to work it a little. I have some dental work that is needed asap.

Weight- Not to hard. I have a lot of free time. I need to stop feeling sorry for myself and just work out. I have a bunch of classes at LA fitness i can go to and take things like Yoga and Pilaties to get some basic stuff and then use LA fitness or my apartments gym for the weights and cardio etc.. Ill be lean and sexxy again in no time :) Im just sick of being discusted with who i see in teh mirror. Don't get me wrong, ill probally never love it.. but knowing im doing all i can to make it chnages my perception soooo freakin much.

Love life- Well thats a hard one. Of course i always go for the ones i cant have. So i think i need to focus on me being more comfortable with who i am and what i want. Then ill be ok with moving on in terms of sex, love and relationships. Till then ill try and play it cool (most likey getting drunk and hooking up with someone at a bar or party :) )

So, i guess im just finding out many friends back home don't know some of this stuff happened. Im not OUT on myspace (sad i know.. hope to chnage that when i come home end of summer or september) so this is the best way to tell many of my friends the stuff going on in my life right now.

Again im sorry to those who have tried to contact me and i've just been a shit. I will seriouslly work getting back to people. Its been a 1.5 years, but Philly will always be my HOME and you all will always be my friends.

Should i were a tight T and tight jeans with cuffs??

Fri, 08 Jun 2007 08:38:09 GMT

Ok.. So i am so EMO right now.... I don't mean that in any cute way what so ever. Its been over two weeks and it just wont stop. I wanna scream.. a lot. I know time will heal and ill be fine.. just right now im someone i have not been in many years.. and it sucks.. ohh the suckage doth.. well.. suck. When hugging my body pillow and talking to it gets me to sleep i know im F*&ed right now.. *breaths* i just.. AHHH!!.. yah that too..

Some day i swear i will post more consistently.. and someday i will post when its now how horrible i feel. Till that day....

MAKE IT FREAKING STOP!!!! MAKE ME FEEL OK!!!! MAKE ME NOT WANT TO DO STUPID ASS SHIT!!! MAKE ME A LITTLE LESS BROKEN!!!

done.. for now

OMMGF BEST thing EVER..

Wed, 04 Apr 2007 01:54:11 GMT

So yah.. its that simple.. i loved Jagged Little Pill... the follow-ups not so much.. now THIS.. i love you Alanis

For those without Myspace.. heres a link to my newest Blog

Sat, 14 Oct 2006 09:30:24 GMT

Well.. the subject says it all.. i dont know pictures well enough on here.. so you have to follow the link.

http://blog.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=blog&pop=1&indicate=1

When god has a site....

Thu, 08 Jun 2006 10:37:40 GMT

OMMFG I am so freakin happy.... i saw THIS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1

http://www.zachbraff.com/

HAPPY DAYS...

and i would SOOO buy a Zach Braff calender

For those without the The Space of MY

Thu, 01 Jun 2006 20:29:13 GMT

Ok.. I realized that many people do not use My Space. So it shoudl probally be posted here too...

I bought my tickets home, and ill be there from the 15th to the 25th of June. I do have some things already planned (familly obligations) but i would love to see all my friends.I want try and play it a little by ear in terms of what im doing each day so i dont overbook or miss someone etc..

Peace Out and Rock On...

Cant wait to see Philly again
D

After all these years.. i feel naked now

Mon, 24 Apr 2006 22:18:52 GMT

Yep.. After 6 Years.. 6 freakin years the small metal band around my wrist that Grace gave me on the Senior Week (that was suppose to break after two weeks) has finally broken... i never took it off in all that time.. so it actually really sucks. now my wrist feels naked.. the first was broken by in my basement one random day.. and now this was broken in my new bed :(

*sighs*

I know it means little, and im almost half making this post as a joke... but blah.. it is 6 years now.

You say i don't speak my mind...

Tue, 14 Mar 2006 02:31:08 GMT

┣List 10 things you want to say to people but know you never will.
┣Don't say who they are.
┣Disable comments.
┗Never discuss it again.

So I decided to do this. The ten will only be people on my friends list.

1- You told a "half-truth" to our friends that could have ruined me, and hurt very badley. I never addressed it, but I to this day consider you one of my closest friends.

2- The only thing i feel for you anymore is pity really. You are the root of all your problems anymore. Grow a pair and do something about them so i don't have to hear about them anymore.

3- You have problems. You are not as flawless as you believe and if you just admitted it no one would care about those problems... because we all have them.

4- You think we are so alike, but i could not disagree more... or maybe i just hope we are nothing alike.

5- People don't always realise the life you had to lead. Though i can't comprehend it, i sympathise with you, and see you for the beuatiful person you are.

6- So many times i was worried about you. I always liked you and i believe you knew that. But though i know you are problly still going through alot, i really think thinsg will work out... im very proud of you.

7- I picked the right corner. I hope you know how unbelievablly glad i am to chare it with you.

8- Whenever you "open up" to me i feel it is so fake, maybe for my own protection. Then when you REALLY open up it feels so overblwon that i cant do a single thing to help. I wish there was a middle ground were you felt safe.

9- Stop it.. just f-ing stop it. Stop worring about everyone else and pay attention to yourself. You deserve a lot in life and ignoring yourself does not make you a great person, and it will not make it go away.

10- I think you are the lonliest person i know.

A movie for all...

Mon, 20 Feb 2006 06:42:38 GMT

http://www2.foxsearchlight.com/thankyouforsmoking/teaser/

This freaked me out...

Fri, 17 Feb 2006 22:01:00 GMT

So i started reading this paragraph and was like 2 lines into it before i even realized anything was wrong with it... but i read it the speed i read anything else.. so i found this very interesting. You will understand when you read below.

i cdnuolt blveiee taht I cluod aulaclty uesdnatnrd waht I was rdanieg. The phaonmneal pweor of the hmuan mnid, aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it dseno't mtaetr in waht oerdr the ltteres in a wrod are, the olny iproamtnt tihng is taht the frsit and lsat ltteer be in the rghit pclae.the rset can be a taotl mses and you can sitll raed it whotuit a pboerlm. Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe. Azanmig huh? yaeh and I awlyas tghuhot slpeling was ipmorantt!

Do me.. Do me hard

Tue, 14 Feb 2006 23:54:58 GMT

The First is for negatives and the Second is for Posatives.... try both.

http://kevan.org/nohari?name=Phreeeeeek

http://kevan.org/johari?name=Phreeeeek

San Diego Found...

Fri, 20 Jan 2006 05:22:54 GMT

Ok.. So i lived through my cross country trek.

Im in San Deigo now... Monday will be 2 weeks actually. By then i will hopefully have a full post up with all my thoughts, how it went, how it is going and pictures...

I dont know how to do the pictures though, so one of you monkies will need to tell me... assume i know nothing about computers so skip no steps (i do know a lot, but i brain fart often)

So i hope to post soon about it all...

San Diego Bound....

Wed, 04 Jan 2006 11:29:02 GMT

So this is just the fact based post... maybe ill actually place my thoughst on leaving, travel and getting there later.

It was great to see most everyone at New Years or around then, if i did not.. i still love you.

CONTACT INFO-
Mail-
Derek Kemble
4424 44th Street
APT 114
San Diego, CA 92115

Phone-(610)357-3508 (hopefully will keep this and be local to get and give calls to home)
E-Mail- Losambra@hotmail.com --- Best way to e-mail me, though my others are checked.
AIM- Losambra (same for 10 years)
Carrier Pigeon- Peggy Sue always liked me best
Smoke Signals- Looking at you for this one Matt
Holographic Message- Kyle give Kathy the specs from Star Wars

http://sandiego.pacificliving.com/mission_pacific_01.html
This is incase you wanna check out the place

A Con of Memories and.. well.. none

Mon, 06 Jun 2005 03:34:17 GMT

So yesterday was a weird day overall...

It started with being my first day off in over two weeks and it was going to be spent at the 2005 Wizard World Philadelphia Comic Book Convention. Now to me THIS ROCKS... im a dork.

Well, it started off kinda annoying as my ride was about 2 hours late.. this is why i like to have control and be the one driving. When we got there it was ok. Nothing to special. Got to meet a lot of friends of my friend which was great (and met more as night went on.)

The only thing i really was gonna do at this con was go to the DC "what is coming up" panel. I normally hate spoilers, but they were doing a drawing for getting to see Batman Begins 10 freakin days early (kind of a world premire). Before the panel we all went to the DC booth and met one of my friends, friends who works at DC. He gave us each wrist bands and said that he had no idea what colour was to be called (and winked) and then said you might as well take blue (and winked again). Guess what.. BLUE WON...

I FUCKING SAW BATMAN BEGINS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (on IMAX)

I refuse to spoil this for anyone... so.. GO SEE IT!!!!!!!

Everyone was perfect, the movie was great... i cant find a flaw.. on par with if not better then Batman 1.

After that we all went to a club. I drank A LOT.. but something happened that never happened to me before.. i woke up today.. and i dont remember anything. There is a point in the night and then blank. I have now been told of my MANY antics (that pissed off my friend in many situations).. but i completly don't remember a single one. We now are starting to think that this troll that was eyeing me all night slipped something into the drink he bought me. I have drank MUCH more then that before and had NO memory loss ever. As soon as people mention something i did it floods back.. but none of this is clicking. Also according to my friend i was acting very uncharacteristic for me. Kind of a freaky experiance now.. im more worried that i offended or pissed off people with the things i did.

M- Sorry for bumping into you so many times
A- Sorry for grinding with you so hardcore on the dance floor
S- Sorry for licking your arm to get your stamp (and A for that too)
Ant- Sorry for slamming your trunk
Sean- Umm.. yah.. for about 90 things i did.. though i think it is pretty funny.. :)

So i got to meet a crap load of really cool people, saw BATMAN BEGINS, had a great time.. and was drugged... YAH BABY!!.. great night overall though..... but at least SOMEONE at the bar showed interest in me :)

i hope to remember to do this

Tue, 17 May 2005 18:01:37 GMT

1. Reply with your name and I will write something about you.
2. I will then tell what song/movie remind me of you.
3. If I were to wrestle with you in a vat of jello, the flavor would be....
4. I will say something that only makes sense to you and me.
5. I will tell you my first memory of you.
6. I will tell you what animal you remind me of.
7. I'll then tell you something that I've always wondered about you.
8. Put this in your journal, or else!

Graduation Day

Sun, 08 May 2005 02:33:10 GMT

People think of many things when graduation rolls around. Some think of accomplishment, leaving the past behind, moving on to new things, relaxation, fear of the real world, lives next challenge... Me? I think of the 3 issue graphic novel of the Teen Titans and Young Justice (R.I.P Lilith and Donna).. Yes im that dork.

Well, I just graduated today. It was an interesting day I guess. I was really late and just got my cap and gown on in time to walk out. Had my dad run me a hotdog and walked down the field with it hanging out of my mouth as I put on all my stuff (txting on a cell phone the whole time). Many people found this to be beyond amusing. Then as the event started, so did the beach balls. The wind made them not last too long, and as they went away from the group some ass-monkey with a shaved head was chasing the kids trying to get them. As one went over my head I started jumping over the chairs to get to it, but to no avail.. His lack of hair made him more aerodynamic.

We were going to have Mya Angelu (sp?) as our speaker, but another college paid her more. Instead we got a guy who just talked about what it means to be an American.. how much Bush sucks, how the war sucks, how racism sucked. He talked so much about racism that even the BSU (Black Student Union) students were getting annoyed at him. All in all he sucked.

Well it came time to walk and I was the dead last person and they almost did not announce my honours. DAMN THEM..

Well, now I sit here realizing I have not graduated just yet. I may have walked and gotten a fake diploma.. but I still have to finish my internship work and a paper for a class before im officially a graduate. This sucks. I should be partying this weekend, but I can’t. My own fault. But I will soon be done with these papers and then I can work on the inevitable failure of applying to graduate school.

I shall update again when i feel i have opffically graduated. This means the work is doen and i have nothing left of my undergraduate education.

Thought it only happened in bad romanc novels...

Thu, 24 Mar 2005 14:26:29 GMT

BEST DAY OF WORK EVER..

I will nver be able to look at hanging oriental rugs again..

A lost friend

Fri, 18 Mar 2005 12:50:50 GMT

So you have been with me for as long as i can remember. At first you were just normal and everything was fine. Then you were almost a something to be proud of. You ended up developing into something kinda sad. The most recent i can remember you was as a contant source of pressure.. well now your gone.. your out of my life.. even if i wanted you back (which i dont) i could not and i know that.. i will miss you, but i think it was for the best and i think a large weight has been lifted off my shoulders, maybe i can have some more fun.. or not feel you over my shoulder at every waking hour.. good luck in whatever it you do now.. but as of Saturday the 5th of March you are no longer in my life...

I dont want to look into it...

Fri, 18 Mar 2005 12:47:16 GMT

TXT MSG RECIEVED 1AM- "I hate going to clubs.. i miss our life together"

Wed, 09 Mar 2005 13:09:29 GMT

I guess this is just to let everyone know im not dead...

I have been virtually impossible to get ahold of for a little bit and i dont want anyone to take it personally. Last week i was doing two jobs, and school. I had no free time. This week is spring break but my second job has me pulling 12 hour days (inventory and then everything will be normal again).

I have just been stressed and emotionally not in a very good place. This has lead me to kinda withdraw from most people and just work, see certain people and crash. I will be more available shortly. I am sorry.

Tabula Rasa

Thu, 03 Mar 2005 14:58:39 GMT

So that is it.. i wipe it clean.. What i have done, what all have done to me.

I don't want an apology, and im not giving an apology. Anyone who i have hurt gets its here.. gets its now. IM SORRY. Im sorry that i let stupid things get in the way, im sorry that i was selfish, im sorry that i was so short sighted, im sorry that i hurt you. I forgive you for all those things and more.

I look back at my life and think of all the people who have hurt me, all the pain i have been caused and cannot think of one reason why i should hate any of those people or not allow them into my life if they so desire it. If they have not changed and will hurt me again, well then that will happen and they will be back out of my life real soon. Im not saying that we will be best friends, just people. neutral ground to start off on. If we are so different now that we would not get along as friends, then so be it.. no hard feelings. If it turns out we would make great friends except for that thing they did X years ago then we shall become great friends. I don't want explanations, i don't want you coming clean. I want a fresh start.

All those that i am still friends with, all those i already love. This does not mean i start anew with you. This mean i still love you, and i still care for you.. BUT now i will not think of those things that hurt me in the past. I will not hold them against you nor will i allow them to prevent us from being closer. All the good is good, and all the bad is gone. Im sick of stupid shit and i went through the phase of selfish individual thought.. im not out of it fully, but i am moving towards a more objective thought. Im just sick of gossip, games, petty bullshit.. I wont do it anymore. The jokes are to be funny and not insulting.. the time are to be good and the laughs are to be real.

I started down a new road in my life recently and i refuse to become something im not. I am me and that is who i shall always be. This road can be traveled by who i am, just i will learn and grow as i travel down it. I don't need to change who i am to fit into this path more.. im done with that.

Work does not ALWAYS suck

Wed, 02 Mar 2005 13:43:26 GMT

So i went to a job interview.. She loved me.. i believe "she thinks you are totally adorable" was mentioned to me... then i found out they need me the days i want to work.. then i found out it is a fun place to work and it is a like a big happy 'disfunctional' familly.. i get to work with a friend.. im getting a pay increase from current job.. and it is easy

Now all of that was just good.. the issue was leaving Devereux.. its in my field.. this is not.. (Its a High end Furniture Store).. So i was debating on a variety of tactics.. but i needed to give in my two weeks. So tonight at work i did it.

I went up to the manager and told him i needed to give in two weeks. He said i needed to talk to head honcho and do all this 'offical stuff'... well i told him i would have loved to stay on like 1 day a week or something just to stay on the books so it looked like i was with Devereux for longer so that my resume looked like i was at a Psych based place longer. He then asked when my last day would be. I told him i would be willing to stay the whole two weeks, but if they were not in need of me i would leave early. He told me to finish the week and i was good to go. This works out perfect with them wanting to start me Friday or Sunday.

In the middle of my shift the manager came up to me and said that if every sunday or every other sunday i called him and told him a shift or two i wanted to work in the upcoming weeks he would put me on. So long as i made one shift every two weeks i could still in the system as part time.. which makes it possible for me to just pull one nasty night every two weeks and look like im at Devereux longer then just 4 months YAH.. things actually worked out HOLY SHIT something actually may work out.. now i give this one or two months before it backfires and screws me :)

Hell froze over?

Tue, 01 Mar 2005 14:34:08 GMT

Ok.. maybe not hell, but at least the tri-state area..

So, it snowed.. Im pretty sure most of you know this... but the weird part is.. i enjoyed it.

I spent the day doing random things-

Getting a drug test
Meeting new co-workers
buying food for me and friends day going to be stuck indoors
watched Bubba Ho-Tep
WENT SLEDDING
watched deer in snow
white washed friend
played stand by me
Sledding some more (by the way sledding was with clothes basket and large container lid)
Sat around in boxers and tee as cloths dryed
drank hot coco
played cards
watched some Teen Titans
Studied for tests
Watched Monster
Helped organize a years worth of friends receipts for taxs
song happy birthday in Germany to friends sister
got ready for bed
*cencored*
slept
woke up to find school was cancelled (umm.. thanks, but WHY??)
slept more
Woke up to Y100 playing 1,2 step
dug out friends car
dug out my car
drove home

So. This was a kick ass snow day.. first i ssome time.. STILL would rather just visit snowy places then get it

Fri, 25 Feb 2005 13:19:58 GMT

"So, what is this"
"What is what?"
"What is this.. what we have.. what we are doing"
"I don't know"
"What do you call it"
"I dont know if i wanna name it.. i mean if i call it a fling i may hurt you.. if i call it something more and it ends up not being one of us gets hurt"
"ok.. dont call it anything"
"well.."
"no, i understand.. "

-------------------------------------------------------------------------

"So what if afterward syour not attarcted to me anymore"
"what do you mean"
"after your conquest.. you might not care once you get it"
"i had no intentions origanlly"
"still"
"well i cant say, but i doubt it.. i mean i would not have you sleep over if it was nothing"
"i guess.. im just a body"
"if you think that get the hell out now"
*content silence*